Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Green Bullets

This is going to sound as if I’m inventing this, but I can’t make this shit up – that’s how you know it’s brought to you by somebody connected to the government. I don’t care how many drugs are available, there’s not enough to make things that anyone involved with the US Military undertakes to do with a straight face, seem anything but laughable, in a “we’ll sneak into your house and kill your whole family” kind of way. Okay, so BAE, you know your friendly neighborhood weapons manufacturer, has decided to try to improve its image. I mean, I guess there wasn’t really anywhere else to go with it.

“Well, gentlemen, something needs to change, our public relations campaign just isn’t working. Should we try being less likeable?”

“Gosh, sir, according to our latest poll, even your mother doesn’t like us. She tells people you’re a missionary in Africa.”

“Alright then, I guess it’s time for a preemptive strike. Let’s get Bush to invade Iceland.”

BAE decided there was a problem with the product it was producing, specifically the bullets. I can’t see what they could’ve possibly found wrong with them, they were designed to kill people and they do, in fact, kill people. You can’t get that kind of reliability in any other sector of the American market. No, the problem is that the bullets contain lead which, and I quote, “could pose a risk to some people.” end quote.

It’s the new military. They don’t want to poison people minutely, just kill them. If I had to choose which poses the greater risk, I’d say, leave the lead, take out the bullet. That’s the part that seems to pose the greatest risk.

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